Take another little piece of my heart …

Oh Janis … I feel your pain …

Yep, things are about to get really emo around here for a few minutes.

Realization: being single is much harder when you’re in a unique situation where there aren’t even any possible options for love. Case in point, I live in a tiny isolated community where I pretty much know everybody. If love was lurking around here somewhere, it would have shown its face by now.

I feel like I am just stumbling blindly through the dark, reaching out for something that is not there.

I used to love being single … when I could go out to a bar and find someone to flirt with. Now I just sit at home. At least I have the dog for company.

I never knew 30 would be like this …

I actually have two little crushes, that I suspect have partly arisen from boredom. But I’m pretty sure both are unrequited. And I’m so not even in a position to allow myself to be rejected right now. Still way too damaged by my s.o.b. ex.

Anyway, I also gained 4.5 lbs. in the past week.

But it’s not all bad news … I’m really looking forward to my vacation. 🙂

Puppers seems to be feeling better since I got back … talked to the vet’s assistant who gave me some worm pills, for the possibility that worms might be the cause of his problems. It’s too early to tell yet. My friend who was dog-sitting was not too pleased about having to deal with Puppers’ digestive issues.

Had a great time in the Peg painting the town red … and learning about science … although was annoyed at times. I got a lot accomplished though. Paid too much for a haircut, did some shopping, and a lot of eating and drinking. Fell off the wagon with my Weight Watchers, trying to get back on track now … but I’m going to Hawaii in 4 days. Aloha!

I was really excited about leaving for Winnipeg tomorrow but now I just feel tired, frustrated that I’m not packed yet, and worried about my pup. I think he might be getting sick, and here I am getting ready to leave town. And it’s for work so I have to go. I might be imagining it … he seemed pretty peppy when we walked this evening, but now he is acting weird. He won’t come in the house (normally he is scratching at the door to get in), and he had no appetite this evening. He ate his dinner finally, but he usually eats voraciously, every bite, and he just kind of picked at it, left some in the dish. He’s outside playing now with the other neighbourhood dogs. I hope he’ll be ok. Maybe he just had a tummy ache (I found some kind of fabric with stripes on it in his poop, I have no idea what he ate; it looked like a bedsheet, but I don’t have sheets like that). My poor puppers, I wish he would come back inside and let me rub his belly, but he keeps running off!

Since I wrote last, I actually turned 30 (so I started this blog at 29, sue me :P).

It was a much better birthday than I expected … I had a great time volunteering that weekend and getting to know some of the awesome girls in the community … then surprised by a birthday pizza, cake, and taco-in-a-bag (local specialty) by my awesome friends! I was very touched. Sometimes I feel all emo like “nobody cares about me” and “I have no real friends here,” but then you never know when people are going to touch your heart (sappy, I know, but that’s how I felt). I never expected anybody to care about my birthday, but they did, and that made it so special.

Turning 30 was not as depressing as I thought it might be … I feel great (have lost a total of 13 lbs. in the last 8 weeks on Weight Watchers, so that helps too), but I guess I’m just not “there,” where I expected to be at 30. But I guess we have to stop expecting things to turn out a certain way and just appreciate the amazing things that can happen in life. Although my job is stressful and has aged me at least another 10 years, I love it and I’m so grateful to have it. I’m grateful to be here. Being single can also be depressing at times, but then again I am happy to be single too. I just wish there were some guys around that I could practice flirting with 😛 Even though I might wish to be paired up, ultimately I know that it’s not my time and I’m not ready for that. My last relationship ended 7 months ago, but it was so abusive and damaging that I can’t even really think about even going on a date with someone. I think it’s healthier to give myself all the time I need to heal, which is something I never really did before; I just jumped from one boyfriend to the next. It (marriage) might never happen for me, but it probably will. I just have to keep an open mind and an open heart, and I will never give up hoping.

Some good things are in the near future for me … next week I get 4 days off work and a free trip to Winnipeg 🙂 It’s for work, and yeah I will learn stuff too 😛 But I’m really happy to have the break, because my job has been soooo stressful lately. I started meditating but it doesn’t seem to be working for me yet. Maybe I’m doing it wrong? It’s impossible for me to shut up the voices in my head.

And in two weeks time, I get to say Aloha! again cause I’m off to Hawaii for March break 🙂 The only downside is that I will miss my pup and worry that he is lonely without me. But he’ll be ok. I am an overprotective doggie mom. All in all, it feels good to be me right now!

Tomorrow I try cross-country skiing again though, so we’ll see how that works out … I hope I do better than last time!