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Some really bad stuff has been going down at work and I’m really stressed out (which affects my mood, my eating habits, etc.) but due to the nature of my work, I don’t go into details on this blog. Also, my job is not what this blog is about. I work 40+ hours a week, and I try to put my work aside and focus on ME outside of work, which includes this blog. But, suffice to say, it’s been a stressful time for me the past two weeks.

In other news, I did lose that 3.5 lbs. again this week (yay!). I am now back to my pre-Hawaii and pre-Winnipeg weight, my lightest since I started Weight Watchers in January. But I have to be careful because this is about the third time I have lost and gained and lost that 3.5 lbs.
I have been really good this week, for three days I was eating a casserole of chicken, brussels sprouts, and sweet potato that was really good. I actually managed to save up some Weight Watchers points to have a cheat day today that consisted of pancakes and bacon for brunch, and pizza for dinner. Usually I am running out of my WW points too fast to save anything for the weekend, so I consider this to be progress.

So I am now 189.5 lbs. I have lost 13 lbs. and I still have 59.5 lbs. to go. I am pleased with my progress but clearly it is not time to pat myself on the back; it is time to work harder!

So I might have something going on in the romance department … but I’m not sure.

This might require some back story … I have alluded to my past relationship but I guess I will explain it now the best I can. The thing is, 8 months ago I escaped from an abusive relationship. Most of the abuse was mental, emotional, and verbal. However, there was a physical/sexual aspect to it as well … not that I was beaten or anything, but my boyfriend forced me to do things sexually that I did not want to do. I probably shouldn’t go into too much detail, but he would basically wake me up in the middle of the night and harrass me until I performed certain acts. Even if I was sick or extremely tired from working two jobs, he didn’t care. I was not allowed to sleep until I did what he wanted me to do. I am kind of ashamed to admit that I allowed myself to be treated this way. And I have not really talked about this before, with anyone. So I am really bearing (baring?) my soul right now.

The other abusive aspects of the relationship were mental/emotional/verbal that are a bit harder to explain. My ex is a severe alcoholic, which was a big factor in the abuse. He was much worse when he was drinking. If I went out with my friends, he would call me repeatedly and harrass me, insist that I come home immediately, accuse me of cheating on him (which I never, ever did), and say things like “I wish I was having sex with 100 women right now.” He and his father would gang up on me and ask me why wasn’t I cooking a meal for them right now? That kind of thing.

I spent about two-thirds of my time in this relationship trying to escape. I am ashamed that I couldn’t just leave and walk away. I bought self-help books. I had long talks with friends, my mom, my sister. I convinced myself I was better than that. Then I’d convince myself that I couldn’t live without him. My friends became angry with me for going back. I told myself and everybody else (including him) that THIS time was IT. I would not take any more abuse. But somehow he managed to charm me, to convince me that this time things would be different. And I fell for it every time. Deep down I didn’t believe that he had changed, but I believed it enough to give him one more chance. Sometimes he would also threaten to commit suicide if I left him. He continued threatening for three months.

Finally I did escape in August … made easier by the fact that I moved halfway across the country for a job. But even for three months after that, he harrassed and begged. I never gave him my new phone number. But he did contact me via Facebook. Finally I decided that I should block him on Facebook. Then he got his cousin to message me and bait me by telling me that my ex was really sick, had passed out at work, and could I please please call him? Eventually I deleted the cousin from Facebook too and asked him never to contact me again. I deleted all of my ex’s family members.

The last time I heard from him was Christmas eve, more than four months after I broke up with him. I have been free of him since then, I am happy to say, although he has tried to add my sister and my aunt and some of my friends on Facebook. I later found out that part of the time he was begging me to get back together with him and threatening to commit suicide if I didn’t, he actually was seeing a new girl at the time. So I feel a bit sorry for her for the rocky road she is headed down with him. But I plan to stay out of it and mind my own business. As far as I know they are still together and living together, which they started doing very early on in the relationship.

Anyway, sorry for writing such a long entry, and probably nobody is reading this right now, but I had to get it all out of my system. And kind of explain why I am so messed up about dating right now (there are a few other abusive exes that add to this, but they will have to discussed in another post, or maybe never at all).

I cannot handle any hurt or rejection right now. I am too fragile and too damaged, even 8 months later. I think I might be ready to date again, but I’m not sure. But if I were going to date someone, he would have to ask me out. And he would have to show that he liked me in a very obvious, hit-me-over-the-head-with-it kinda way. I cannot take a chance on getting my heart broken right now. I’ve been wrong about that kinda thing before, I am basically clueless to figure out if a guy likes me or not. Even at 30 years old, I have no clue. What have I learned in the last 12 years of dating? Not much, apparently.

There is this guy I know. I have a bit of a crush on him. I’ve known him for about 2 years and always had a small crush on him, but most of that time I had a boyfriend so it’s not like anything was going to happen. And it never seemed like this guy liked me (let’s give him a fake name; let’s call him Dave).

Dave is more of an acquaintance than a friend. I sometimes felt that he was a bit flirty with me, but again, I am clueless about that kind of thing. Since I moved up North, he has kept in touch with me through Facebook chat. But our conversations were only once a month or once every two months. When I was home at Christmas I started to wonder if there might be something there because he wanted me to go to the city and have coffee with him, but I never got a chance. Since I came back up here after Christmas, our conversations have become a bit more frequent … to the point that we talked online almost every night last week! And he almost always initiates the conversation.

Now, I can’t assume that the following things mean anything other than friendship, but I do have some hope that the crush might be mutual.
He is really concerned about me, always wanting to know if I’m feeling lonely or anything (I live in an isolated Northern community, and I live alone). He asked me if I was dating anyone. We got into a pretty personal conversation like we never have before, and he basically said that he is getting too old for one-night stands and is not going to sleep with any women if it is just going to be a one-night stand. I found from the conversation that we are really on the same page about relationships and dating right now. We have both made promises to ourselves about not rushing into sex or (for me) not rushing into relationships.

He knows that my ex-bf was an ass, but he doesn’t really know the details (and no, he doesn’t need to! I know that), but I just said that my self-esteem had suffered from the relationship. He said that I had no reason to have low self-esteem because I am a “super intelligent, independent, beautiful woman.”
I started to feel embarrassed because I don’t take compliments well and ended the conversation shortly afterwards. He signed off “Talk soon I hope. Goodnight babe.”
I was surprised that he called me “babe” but that doesn’t mean anything, I know. Maybe he talks like that to everyone.

He has also asked me a bunch of times when am I coming home, what are my plans for the summer, etc. He has talked a few times about wanting to have coffee, have drinks, and even said he wanted to go to a concert with me … the thing is, the band I am going to see, he HATES them. So it doesn’t make sense that he would want to go.

I know that none of these things are a real indicator that he likes me … any of it might just mean that he is a concerned friend trying to cheer up another friend. But I think there is some hope there?
If he does like me, he’s going to have to be the one to say because I cannot put myself out there right now. Too bad I won’t be able to see him in person for another two months, because then I might be able to figure it out! It’s so hard to know anything through Facebook chat.
Again sorry that this was so long, but if there are any men out there who want to offer an opinion, I’d be glad to hear it. I welcome the opinions of women as well but I already have a few girlfriends I talked to and I would really like to hear a man’s perspective.


2 responses to “

  1. TheGirl

    Hey hun thanks for baring your soul, it takes guts. And so does leaving. Never feel ashame, because the point is –you left and you haven’t made any physical contact since.

    And I know its hard and he will charm you…to come back even threaten his life. That’s the thing about abusers, what you are describing is classic textbook abuser protocol for trying to regain power and control over you.

    Congrats on your independence, and I know its lonely now even months after (again take you time to grieve and find yourself, there’s no date) I go through periods of loneliness and sadness too.

    And don’t worry/stress over about dating now. You don’t have to get in another relationship, enjoy your own company and growing as an individual and working on YOU. Before you know it, when you’re not looking someone may come along, and you’ll decide whether that person is good enough for you.

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