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Alternate universes

I got to thinking today about alternate (parallel?) universes, and about all of the choices I could have made but decided to go a different way … how would my life be different if I had made those choices differently? Could I be better off now? Worse?

I genuinely believe that, as hard as this year has been, I am definitely better off that I left Newfoundland and came to Manitoba to work, including leaving my mother’s house and leaving my abusive ex. That’s a given. But there are other choices I left behind …

If I had gone back to Korea, I could be finishing up my fifth year of teaching there (I left in 2010 after 2 years). If I had stayed there, I would have made decent money (not as good as I am right now though), but the way I was expected to teach at my job there, kind of sucked the soul out of me. I had zero freedom in anything I did. Would I have stayed with my Korean ex, who lied to me about having two kids with someone? I’d like to think that I would have walked away eventually, but sometimes I wonder. Perhaps that is a story for another time …

If I had broken up with my ex, would I have stayed single for a while? Met someone else? Continued my crazy partying clubbing lifestyle? Or would I be too old for that now?

What if, instead of taking this job last year, I had continued with my nursing degree? I would be half finished by now (2-year fast-track BN). But would I have been happier if I’d become a nurse? Honestly I think I’d be a better nurse than a teacher, but I know that it’s a really hard job, physically demanding, and very stressful. It was ultimately not wanting to give up the chance of a job for going back to school and being a poor student again and going further in debt that decided me.

I wonder how my life could have ended up if I’d made different choices … did I make the right choices?

I feel that I did, but I guess I will never know what I would be doing differently right now in different circumstances.

I wonder how I would be feeling if I hadn’t gained back that 40 lbs.! Or what I could have done in the past few years to keep it from happening.

I know it’s been a few weeks since I’ve updated this blog … a lot has happened, but nothing I really care to discuss. Work is stressing me out, again. I lost my cool, again. No matter how much I meditate or positive self-talk, I can’t keep my temper from getting out of control when I’m being disrespected, or having my windows pelted with eggs or rocks (true story!).

Currently weigh 186.5 lbs. but my weigh-in is tomorrow and I think it’s going to be a gain week because I splurged all weekend (potluck with coworkers, stress eating, etc.). But if I do gain, I will just pick myself up and dust myself off and try again.

Been talking to my crush a lot this past week, which is nice 🙂 But then I think, why would this guy even bother starting something romantic with me when I’m not even in the province? I swing back and forth between being hopeful and then thinking that I’m not even worth it. Why wouldn’t he just go and meet a girl who lives in the same city? Yeah, he probably will.


About 30fatsingle

Just a silly girl (er, woman?) trying to improve my life as I enter my 30s. I'm working on my body, my career, and my attitude. I used to let crappy relationships ru(i)n my life, but that was the old me. Now I focus on myself and if I ever meet the man of my dreams that is just icing on the cake.

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