Reflecting on love and good fortune …

Apparently I’ve become accident-prone. While walking the dog yesterday, I slipped and fell on some ice and actually landed on my head. That has never happened to me before … usually I can brace myself with my hands or arms, but not this time. My head hit the pavement so hard I actually heard a crack. I never had a lump but my head hurt all over; what decided me on going to the emergency room was the fact that my neck felt both stiff and numb; I was also worried that I might have done further damage to my collarbone. But luckily I was fine and I didn’t even have to wait long at the hospital. I just pulled the muscles in my neck, and the doctor put me off work for the day, so I guess everything worked out for me in the end. However, my dream of returning to yoga class seems further and further away from me all the time … sigh. I keep hurting myself :/

On a more positive note, Valentine’s Day turned out to be great. The bf and I decided that we were not gonna see each other because he had to work, and we were expecting a snowstorm (this makes long distance relationships tricky). But on Saturday it was clear skies, so I showed up at his place after work with steaks, wine, and cheesecake 🙂 It was a win!!

It feels really weird (in a good way, of course) to finally be in a normal relationship with a great guy who treats me really well. When I think of my past, I mostly feel shame that I allowed guys to treat me like crap for so long. I accept that I was partly responsible for that because I participated and kept putting myself in those situations. After kissing so many frogs, I finally met my prince … the guy that I was convinced did not exist. Ladies, do not give up on finding Mr. Right … if I can, anybody can! And it can happen so fast. I think back to where I was this time last year … in a relationship that was also long distance, but with a guy who could never be bothered to come visit me. I always had to go see him. And yes he was a single dad but his ex-wife shared custody and his parents were always available to babysit. Over the course of our one year relationship, he only came to visit me twice! WTF is that!? This was a guy who called me the C-word when he was angry and said “I dare you to do better.” Well, guess what buddy … I DID do better. And not only did I find someone who treats me better – treats me like I’m important and I matter – but somebody who wants the same things I want in life: a marriage, a family, a life together. I can’t fault my ex for not wanting those things, but I can fault him for not being honest and stringing me along for so long.

So much can happen in a year, and I’m so grateful that I found something better, something real. And I’m glad that even with all of the crap I went through in all of my relationships, that I never gave up on the hope of finding real love.

Detox time …

On Friday I had my last day of work for the summer (besides the part-time work I’ll be doing, that is). So how did this party animal celebrate? By going to bed by 11 p.m. Friday and Saturday nights. But tonight I will be having some drinks with friends.

And then tomorrow I will be starting the Blood Sugar Solution 10-Day Detox Diet. No alcohol, no caffeine, no sugar, no artificial sweeteners, no dairy, no wheat, no tuna (because of the mercury), and very little fruit. It’s mostly veggies and protein. Wish me luck! This will be very hard but I think I need it … not only to get over the stubborn plateau I seem to have hit, but also it should help clear up some of my nagging health issues like frequent headaches, sinus problems, etc. You’re not supposed to have alcohol for 2 days before starting the detox, but I promised my friends I would go out. I will go cold turkey with everything on Monday. This will be one of the biggest challenges of my life … I don’t even remember the last day I didn’t have any chocolate or sweets. All the more reason to do a detox.

In terms of love life, nothing much is happening. Nothing good anyway. I was supposed to have coffee with a guy I met online and he cancelled at the last minute. And Mr. M decided to waltz back into my life, only to continue being a total a$$. Oh, and he informed me that he never wants to get married or have any more kids. I don’t know why he misled me for the past year on that subject, because he never ever came out and said those things until now (although I suspected). It was very hurtful actually … I know that those are personal choices for everybody, but I think that if he really loved me he would get over the past hurts caused by the Ex-Mrs. M – stop licking his wounds and move on with his life. I mean, he loved her enough to marry her and have a child together, so I can’t help but feel that if he truly loved me he would want to do those things with me too. Not now, but he’s firmly saying that he will never ever do those things. That’s a really strong stance to take. I guess I should be glad I didn’t waste any more time with him and now I can concentrate on myself, and eventually finding somebody who deserves me, cause this guy is a selfish jerk. Oh and he was upset because he found out about my online dating profile … apparently one of his friends found it. Oh well!

Heart broken, body stronger …

Some big news … I am OFFICIALLY single again … had to break up with Mr. M 😦

I guess it was mutual though by the end of it …

There was just too much going against us. Besides the distance and our busy schedules, and his emotional distance and commitment phobia, I was really uncomfortable about his relationship with the Ex-Mrs. M.

I get it that she’s “the mother of his child,” (a phrase I got sick of hearing), but they’ve been divorced for 4 years and we’d been dating for 10 months, so I felt that he should not constantly put her needs and wants ahead of mine. His child, absolutely. His ex-wife, not so much. I feel that I deserve better than to take a backseat to somebody’s ex-wife for the rest of my life. She had gotten to the point of “marking her territory” so much, she might as well pi$$ on him, from making love to his Facebook wall on a daily basis, to (the last straw) asking him to record an album with her. I’d had enough.

I’m glad they are friends for the sake of their child, but their relationship was too weird … and I would have been ok with the album recording, etc. if I felt that they were over each other … but they are clearly not. She has said some not-so-nice stuff about me, and Mr. M has said some not-so-nice stuff about her man … they are both jealous and possessive of each other. He claims that their relationship is “normal and healthy” … I feel that it is anything but. And everyone in my life has encouraged me to leave him, and applauded me for doing so. I realize now that I was not happy. I ended up on anti-depressants for frig’s sake (which I am still taking and I credit for being able to deal with the breakup so well).

But it’s not just about the Ex-Mrs. M … I came to the realization that not only does Mr. M care about her too much, he did not care about me and my feelings. He showed me this time and time again … I can’t even think of one instance where he cared about me or how I felt.

So basically I decided that I’d had enough, I’d sacrificed enough of myself, and it was time to toss this relationship in the trash where it belongs … and although it hurts I’m proud of myself to be on DAY 17 of NO CONTACT! Although he’s made that easy by not contacting me as well. Probably he doesn’t even care that I broke up with him … I would not be surprised.

So now I’m single again at 31 … yes I want to get married and have kids, and every year that goes by that that doesn’t happen, it makes me sad but you can’t force it. I don’t know yet what the future holds for me.

In other news, I have consistently lost weight since I started doing the 8-Hour Diet … to the point that people are noticing now, which makes me feel great. Since the breakup I have been focusing on my weight loss and fitness, even started jogging again … also focusing on myself and my relationships with my friends and family. This is Me time now. No more anxiety over a failing relationship. How liberating!

And also received the awesome news that my work contract is being extended at least until the end of March 2015 … so I am still gainfully employed in a job that I love for the foreseeable future.

Life is good. 🙂